We've all read articles about how heartbreaking it is if a partner cheats, and why you should never do it, and why no one should ever even think about it. But on a more practical tack, what should you do if you catch your partner cheating? In a perfect world, no one would do such a thing, and we'd all be happy and healthy and full of love and light and miracles. But unfortunatelypeople cheat all the time, and if it happens to you, you're faced with an immediate decision: What can you do right now?
"Cheating and it's consequences are one of the most devastating moments in a relationship,"relationship coach and psychic medium Melinda Carver tells Bustle. "It turns your whole world upside-down when you find out your partner is cheating, [and] you begin to look at everything in your relationship as a lie, and your self-esteem plummets." But you don't have to remain in that place of feeling like a victim.
I spoke with 15 relationship experts to explore the possibilities. Basically, it's not a cut-and-dried situation: If someone cheats on you, and you're committed to the relationship, you might not necessarily want to just get up and leave. And it might be a deeper and more intricate situation than that, anyway. If you want to consider all of your options and think about what to do next, here are 15 possible things you can do if you catch your partner cheating on you. And keep in mind that you don't have to make any serious decisions just yet — if you found out recently, you can give it some time and let things unfold before you make a concrete choice about what to do next.
1. Stay Calm
"Stay calm and call a trusted friend to give you support,"psychologist, image consultant and dating expert Dr. Jennifer Rhodes tells Bustle. "Do not react impulsively. Given the circumstances of your relationship, you may need to respond in a thoughtful manner." Reaching out to a best friend is the most helpful thing you can do first. And then you can consider what to do next.
"If you are married or there are kids involved, seeking professional help for yourself first will help you build the support team necessary to deal with a confrontation and to ask for what you want," Rhodes says. "Too many people act out of impulsivity and anger often leading to more consequences down the road. Do not post comments on social media like celebrities — all of this can be used against you in your breakup or divorce."
2. Be Direct
"Don’t set a truth trap, trying to get him or her to confess,"relationship coach and therapist Anita Chlipala tells Bustle. "Be direct about what evidence you found of their cheating." Don't try to dance around the thing — just come and and tell them what you know.
"You will also need to know that the affair will be stopped and that your questions will be answered," she says. "I also recommend not telling anyone — yet. When people first find out they have been cheated on, they want to tell everyone in their family and friends circle. This can potentially backfire if you decide to stay together and work on your relationship." Be direct with your partner and choosy with the people you talk to — at least at first.
3. Have An Honest Look At The Relationship
"Cheating in a relationship requires an honest assessment of the relationship in order to figure out a next move," New York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle. "If the cheating happens within the first couple of months of dating, it’s not really cheating — it’s playing the field." That may be true, but if you are with someone new and you discussed being monogamous and you find out they're seeing other people, it's probably best to walk away.
"[If] it happens in year 10 of a 10-year marriage with children," she says, or just in a long-term, committed relationship in general, "there’s a lot at stake and walking away should be a last resort — unless this isn’t the first time that the cheating has occurred. Cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and it’s crucial to be honest about your part in the relationship," Masini says. "It’s easy to play victim, but more often than not, the cheating happened because the cheater felt neglected or mistreated or not valued. That doesn’t excuse that person’s behavior, but it explains it, and it shows that the cheating was a symptom, not the main problem." From there, you can decide what to do next.
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